Queen of Cups

Perhaps she regrets leaving her bathing suit in the beach bag she forgot by the door

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1. The Magician

The Magician card represents what we in divination circles like to call “mad skills.”

Damsel of Wands

Your autobiography will read like an off-brand book of Mad Libs.

9. The Hermit

also called The Monk, The Sage, The Capuchin, Sad Santa, The Struggling Writer, and Time.

Five of Cups

You cannot chop despair into a nice fruit salad.

Three of Coins

Two is a coincidence, three is a pattern… three wishes… celebrity deaths come in threes or two-thousand-sixteens…

after the beep

“Hello, this is Hector from Hector the Spectre Collector. Unfortunately, we are all booked up until next week. If you …

Ten of Wands

Uh, hi, tarot blogger lady? It’s Colin. One of the ghosts? We didn’t interrupt your last post! That voice in …

Two of Fish

beware. beware! fear the coming darkness.

Ten of Coins

You have many stories to tell. No one listens anymore.

14. Temperance

The rocks are slippery. Recovery is slippery. Angels hate getting their down feathers wet.

31. Punctuality

If an oracle tells you that you will be devoured by sharks tomorrow at 3:16 p.m. and 47 seconds, do not drive further inland! Humanity barely survived the last four sharknado tragedies.

Seven of Wands

To avoid ultimate defeat, wise Tarot readers will insist that you do something monumentally stupid upon pulling a seven.

The House

“We will (grudgingly) stop wailing obscenities in your ears at three in the morning. This is a big sacrifice for us. Your reactions are priceless! Oh man, we wish you could see how you look! What a bunch of dweebs!”

Three of Lizards

Chamaeleonids are especially tickled pink by the opportunity.