KING OF COINS you will die

Placement: The Minor Arcana



A king sits in his garden, on a throne that has a distinct bull motif carved on the back and arm rests. The garden is overgrown with vines, which also climb up the king because either that is how long he has been sitting, or else he keeps an unnaturally fast-growing species of vine. They have not yet reached his castle, which one can usually see in the distance behind him.

The King of Coins carries a pentacle in one hand and a drumstick for a gong, the idea being that the pentacle is itself a gong.

Sometimes there is no gong, or no garden, or bull motif or any of the above. Sometimes the king wears a silly hat. The only true constant is a king with one or more large coins. This is, of course, unfortunate. The gong is a noble instrument, and fun to say out loud. Gong.


Right side up:

The key theme of the King of Coins is patience, which is not only a virtue but necessary for survival in a world of late trains, traffic jams and children who refuse to put on their socks.

Another interpretation of the King of Coins card is that a person in your life, either yourself or someone who has a direct impact on your future, has succeeded at being not only an adult but the kind of adult that people imagine when someone uses the word “adult” outside the context of marketing pornography.

The King of Coins can and does keep up with the Joneses. Of this specific claim, SAUCE treasurer Sorina Jones says “My family were often caught with the King of Coins card in our pockets. For a while, we legally changed our surname to Pentacles because this card was all we had for formal identification, but this made our neighbours suspicious. We couldn’t change it to Coins, though. The [Brotherhood of International Treasure & Currency Holders] wouldn’t let us use any money-related word as a last name because my ancestors’ had a few lawn flamingos in front of their house. We weren’t ‘classy’ enough.”

The claims of these are, as one says, “bull”. The Jones family’s prized heirloom collection of ornamental flamingos include pieces that date back to the 17th century. Even if this were not the case, our dear treasurer Sorina is herself a person who exhibits all of the highest qualities, in my own humble opinion.


Upside down:

You can absolutely earn a living wage as a gong player, but warn anyone who lives within earshot that they will need to be patient with you, as your all-night practicing may keep them awake. Mastery takes time.


Classic King of Coins deaths:

  • Choked out by an invasive plant
  • Trampled by bulls while you wait in line at the bank
  • Killed by some disease that can only infect adults. Ask your doctor, or, for a more thorough diagnosis, search popular medical information sites. Better yet, watch a health-themed daytime talk show. Those are entirely reliable and use neither scare tactics nor any claims of quick fix solutions to boost their ratings.
  • Gonged on the head


An update on the disappearance of Michel Nolastname:

We have heard nothing more, with the exception of one obscene heavy breather who called the number Danny and I put on the Missing Person poster. The few words the caller used will not be repeated here.