FIVE OF LIZARDS you will die

Placement: The Negligible Arcana


Five lizards come together, not quite hiding themselves under the clothes of a man, like children in a cartoon collectively disguised as one adult for the purposes of gaining access to alehouses, films containing swears, and other experiences exclusive to the world of those who managed to survive through eighteen winters. Often this multilizard counterfeit is shown strolling with an oblivious human being or helping them out in some way.

In the above feature image, one lizard forms the head, small lizards take the place of each hand, and the two longest lizards form the legs and feet, as per tradition. Since being walked upon is excruciatingly painful, young lizards pray every night to the Great Scale of Icke that they may never grow to the length of a human shin.

Right side up:

Your jig, as they say, is up. Your cover is blown, your fraud unfurled, your deceit detected, your game called off due to the rain of a thousand prying eyes. Your fairy godmother forgot to bibbidy bobbidisburden you of your of the cinders behind your ears.

The question is not whether those around you will discover your true identity, but what they will do to you when they find out. Your fate depends entirely on the protocols and whims of the workplace, government, coterie or secret society that you mistakenly decided to infiltrate. Typical punishment for deceptions range from being “called out” on the droppings of your cattle’s breeding male, to finding yourself tied up with a loved one’s intestines and abandoned in a cave where a snake drools venom onto your face every day until Ragnarok.

Upside down:

Your infiltration is an outright success. You latched onto the promotion, the friends, perhaps even the worshiping sycophants you so ardently desired. Those around you fail to notice that you are catastrophically unqualified, however. They now expect you to weave straw into gold, land the aircraft, duel the villain, mediate the peace treaty, cure the pandemic, or diffuse the ticking bomb. Everyone’s lives, your own included, sit blissfully ignorant in your weak, untrained hands.

If only someone knew of your deception, they could help you when the above-mentioned droppings collide with a cooling propeller. Alas, it is probably too late. I would recommend using a garden hose followed by two full cycles in a high-efficiency washer with water hot enough to kill bacteria, followed by a spot stain remover where necessary, and a deodorant spray to restore your disguise, in the unlikely event that you survive the oft-lethal corner into which you have painted yourself.

Classic Five of Lizards deaths:

  • Your secret status: Terminated
  • Molting when your species does not naturally molt
  • Defrocked in frost
  • Unmasked in gas
  • The villain discovers your secret identity, etc.
  • Forgetting for a moment that in truth you have no super powers
  • If you had a membership, you would know the safe word