PAGE OF OCTOPUS you will die

Placement: The Negligible Arcana

Description: The illustrations for this card usually depict a juvenile octopus, sometimes without adornment, and sometimes with clothing. In one tentacle it holds some form of tool, often a slingshot, pea shooter, bubble blower, hula hoop, blankey or broken yellow crayon. Another tentacle holds an ice cream cone, the scoop tumbling out.

 

Right side up:

The pookie. The pumpkin. The muffin. The puddin’. The honey, bun or otherwise. The shmoopsie-poo. The sweet pea, pie, kins, and ums. One could just eat it.* The Page of Octopus represents the power of our sympathetic emotional response to visible vulnerability, that is to say, cuteness.

Children in entertainment may earn their families millions, based entirely on their fleeting infantile beauty. Historically, pages are young servants, but pages in tarot are court cards. They serve royalty, giving them a better life than most. Never underestimate adorability.

We adopt the cutest pets at the shelter over the ones who appear fierce or ragged. In the aftermath of an oil spill, it is said that we rescue the ducklings and baby seals before less aesthetically pleasing creatures. To manatees and shellfish, man is selfish.

 

Upside down:

False innocence. The manipulator. The darling devil. The bad seed. The phantom menace. The death that awaits you with nasty, pointy bunny teeth. Oshkosh D’Bauched.

If they fail to achieve their purposes behind closed doors, the Page of Octopus reversed may inspire others to commit terrible deeds on their behalf. The unfortunate protectors may risk their own lives or even sacrifice themselves for the sake the Page of Octopus reversed, putting the d’awwww in godawful.

 

* It is in fact delicious with breading and tzatziki sauce, appearing on pub menus below nachos, poutine, and the basketed wings of chickens.

 

Classic Page of Octopus deaths:

  • Poisoned candy
  • Suckered
  • Haunted porcelain doll
  • Alien facehugger
  • Rabid fairy bite
  • Teddybombed
  • Prolonged deep sea snuggles

 

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

AN UPDATE ON THE MURDER OF MICHEL NOLASTNAME

Alas, the identity of the murderer still alludes us, the friends of the late Mr. Nolastname. How is this possible? We are the Secret Assembly Unearthing Cartomantic Eventualities. We can find long lost objects, help starcrossed lovers reunite, determine whether your television pilot will be ordered for a series, and this is hardly the first murder our members have investigated. Failure to solve a mystery through the cards is an utterly new experience, and an embarrassing one at that. It is almost as if the killer were laying out traps of misleading symbolism. Could it be someone from inside our own ranks? If so, who? I fail to see how any of us would gain from Mr. Nolastname being flattened to a pancake. He had no fortune. He bothered no one. Even Tina and Ray Moretti, whose opinions often offend me, had no quarrel with him. That Elsie Cabret returned to us immediately after his disappearance, and then took command of the investigation tells us very little in itself. She had neither motive, nor opportunity, as she was in San Francisco at the time of the terrible event.

There may he hope however. Anais Herschel has called us all for an emergency meeting tonight. Has she discovered the truth at last?

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