THREE OF SWORDS you will die

Placement: The Minor Arcana

Description: Three swords pierce a disembodied heart against a grey background, often in a rainstorm. This is one of the most dramatic cards in contemporary decks. Forensic experts agree that a single stab to the heart is enough to cause a victim’s death. Three swords are literally overkill.


Right side up:

They* say that great tragedy comes in threes.** They also say that two is a coincidence but three is a pattern.*** The Three of Swords represents Grief, Loss and Heartbreak with Moruga Scorpion juice and a side of Woe. There is no dessert.


Upside down:

Healing and recovery. The light at the end of the tunnel is not a train this time, and the silver lining to your hardship is no longer polished lead. Know that your heart is safe. You may claim it at the bus station Lost And Found any time between 11am to 1:15pm. (Please note: attendants take an hour break for lunch.)


*The word “They” in this case refers to Nielsen families, loud uncles, and Wikipedia pages labeled “citation needed”.

**The elevator pitch tragedian Aeschylus gave to Festival of Dionysus organizers for his trilogy “Agamemnon”, “The Libation Bearers” and “Shit Just Got Real”.

***The science community claims that three is not an effective sample size for calculating data. Three, however, corresponds to our sense of story and therefore must be correct. Grade Eleven students’ failure to accept simple narrative logic as fact speaks to a grossly underfunded Balderdashery program in secular school systems.


Classic Three of Swords deaths:

  • Poisoned Valentine chocolates
  • Broken heart
  • Shattered heart
  • Pulled heart strings
  • Cracked heart
  • Torn heart
  • Sprained heart
  • Dislocated heart
  • Well-blended heart with maraschino cherry garnish and a cocktail sword
  • Tin Man Syndrome
  • Mistaken for a vampire by a stake-wielding tenth grader
  • Watching the news


An Update of Secret Assembly Unearthing Cartomantic Eventualities (S.A.U.C.E.) business:

Yesterday we fed the giant Ace hand gallons of the very best organic skin cream and challenged it to games of Rock, Paper, Scissors for exercise. Danny Delaire has given Crystal Balque and Julen Ibarra the task of figuring out the logistics of bringing a fast-food-drive-in-sized supernatural entity up from the basement and out of town without alerting the public. This in itself is a challenge, as Mr. Ibarra suffers bouts of extreme paranoia and Ms. Balque does not speak.

Our time is running short. If we cannot return the Ace hand to its mate before the Summer Solstice, we may never see Anais Herschel again.

(for new readers, see A Kidnapping!)

Added July 12, 2016