QUEEN OF COINS you will die

Placement: The Minor Arcana

Description: Roses surround the Queen of Coins, sometimes in the form of a garden, sometimes as a pattern on her dress. Occasionally there may be a rabbit at the bottom right-hand corner. She (the Queen, not the rabbit) sits on a silver throne, sometimes with a ram or a bull motif on the arms (the throne’s, not the Queen’s) She may appear disappointed. She is. About you.


Right side up:

Home and hearth. The Coins suit is called Diamonds in regular playing cards, and diamonds may be a girl’s best friend, but they are not known for providing food or hugs. The Queen of Coins understands the difference.

Interviewers ask “How does she do it?” The Queen of Coins can be found used as an example in articles under condescending headlines such as “Can you HAVE IT ALL?” Can you have the fulfilling and respectable career, children who will neither harm others nor die in a ditch, the kitchen worthy of an entire Michelin constellation, the craft room in which you would be expected to remake the world after the apocalypse?


Upside down:

No, you cannot. You are isolated at home, deprived of resources, or else you are working in your field but out of touch with family. The Queen of Coins reversed wonders, not for the first time, why no one asks the King of Coins if he can “have it all.” Is it because no one would fault him for wholeheartedly embracing kingship? Perhaps it has something to do with society’s low expectations of fathers, something as unfair to the King as it is to the Queen.

The Queen of Coins will not take the time in this moment to cut through the bull excrement of our culture, as she has been racing between the silver throne and the porcelain throne with an abominable case of morning sickness.


Classic Queen of Coins deaths:

  • Sleep deprivation resulting in anything from car collision to fatal mix-up between toothbrush and glue gun
  • Underestimated at your peril
  • The envy of the public
  • The scorn of the public
  • Crushed under the weight of expectations, groceries, wearable baby carrier for triplets and fully-stocked matching diaper bag