CAKE you will die

Placement: The Obscure Arcana


A young girl and a dog conspire to steal a slice of cake. There are open wine bottles on the table, abandoned half empty,* and plates with leftover traces of food. Clearly, this girl has drugged all the adults of the household in order to seize the cake without alerting them to her theft.

It is important to note that the dog looks similar (if not outright identical) to The Fool’s dog and to one of the dogs on The Moon card. This dog is not known for protecting humans. I would not at all be surprised to learn that the girl stepped off a cliff soon after, or was attacked by lobsters.

Right side up:

Do you dream in buttercream? Does fondant make you melt? Does Ganache remove your obstacles?

Oh sweet baked indulgence, oh frosted climactic expression of a meal’s end. Your sugary layers rise in the oven to save us from the tyranny of kale and asparagus. You bless us on our birthdays and in our marriage rites. By your grace, we grow curves to cushion the bitter blows of life. We offer up our ability to produce insulin. The Cake giveth, the Cake taketh away. Sprinkles to sprinkles, crumbs to crumbs.

Upside down:

It is a lie.

*Yes, half empty. I cannot stress this enough. This site is Terrible Tarot, not Happy Jolly Cheerful Tarot Where All Is Lovely And You Will Never Die. If you do not accept a half-empty glass, top up your wine.

Classic Cake deaths:

  • A poisoned dessert
  • Choking on a gum paste petunia
  • A fatal allergic reaction to fun
  • Having your cake and eating it too**
  • Ignored by Marie Antoinette

**The confusing and often misunderstood adage “You can’t have your cake and eat it too” used to be worded as “You can’t have your cake as an identity and eat it too.” People now use the phrase to mean “Do not partake in the addictive substance you sell” or even “Do not laugh at your own jokes”, but originates in the tragic fate of Christina Bundt, who succumbed to self-cannibalism after falling into a vat of Angel Food batter.