Dear Terrible Tarot,

What the hell do you think you’re doing? You’re making everything about death, even the Death card, WHICH IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT CHANGE. No one will read Tarot cards if they think it’s all disasters and [word deleted].

For The Lovers card, you’ve got “Star-crossed lovers. Never, ever cross a star. The gravity of those celestial bodies will crush you into naught but a burning smear of meat grease. Thus the synonym for infatuation: crush.” What a load of bull[syllable deleted]. And you write like a pretentious [syllable deleted]hole all the time but then you’ve got a whole thing on the Strength card referencing Bruce Banner and The Hulk. Now you’re just pandering to the masses of sheep who eat up crap Marvel movies.

And what’s with the Negligible Arcana and Obscure Arcana? THEY DON’T EXIST that’s what. There’s only the Major Arcana and Minor Arcana and anything else is just a lame-[word deleted] knockoff oracle deck. You’re making bogus [word deleted] up just to get attention.

No intelligent person interested in Tarot is going to touch your stupid site with a ten foot pole.

Get a life,

Thicker Skinned Then You

 

Dear Mr/Ms/Mx Then You

Thank you for your input. First, I shall attempt to reduce my pretentious [syllable deleted]holeness by refraining from pointing out a couple of interesting quirks pertaining to your screen name, which you no doubt know since my readers are intelligent people and it seems that you have read several of my posts.

As for the Marvel cinematic masterpieces, my local theatre (or formerly local, since I am currently on the run with many of my fellow S.A.U.C.E. companions due to the events of this past spring) does not allow sheep as patrons, as they are animals* and do not possess money. Service sheep may be an exception, but I have never seen this happen. It is a shame, really. Movie houses could hire a shepherd’s flock to gobble up spilled popcorn, and viewers could comfort themselves by snuggling them (the sheep, not the shepherd) during scenes of a frightening nature.

S.A.U.C.E., the respectable organization of Tarot researchers to which I belong, stands for Secret Assembly Unearthing Cartomantic Eventualities. Consider the word “Eventualities”, my dear Thicker Skinned Then You. Consider the one eventual… um… event, that unites all of humankind. Consider these historic figures:

  • Attila the Hun
  • Alexander the Great
  • Catherine the Great
  • Ivan the Terrible
  • Maria the Mad
  • Oom the Magnificent
  • Winnie the Pooh**
  • Piero the Unfortunate

Notwithstanding a shared middle name, these famous individuals have another important quality in common: they and most others who have ever existed are dead. The common saying that “nothing is certain but death and taxes” has been proven only half-wrong by even the most diabolically successful white collar criminals.

As for the Obscure Arcana and the Negligible Arcana, they are at least as legitimate as the Major or Minor. Nearly all mainstream Tarot deck publishers refrain from including the Obscure and Negligible, not because they do not exist but because they are often considered too real to be anything but dangerous. I refuse to hold back. I respect my readers far too much.

Thank you for recommending that I get a life. I will work towards one that is rich and fulfilling, and think of you often if I am lucky enough to succeed.

Cordially,

[NAME WITHHELD]

 

 

*A physician by the name of Demento once introduced the world to the merits of bringing the disembodied head of a fish. Given the prevalence of hot dogs and pepperoni pizza slices at the concession stand, however, it seems that deceased animals are allowed. A fish without a body qualifies as such.

**April 19, 1996

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