“Hello, this is Hector from Hector the Spectre Collector. Unfortunately, we are all booked up until next week. If you insist on staying in your home until then you might want to try Anything Ghost, though I recommend moving somewhere else in the meantime, since they charge quite a bit more.”

“This is Dennis calling from Anything Ghost. We know all about your house and it would require special equipment that is often damaged beyond recognition after use, which means we would need to order it in. Let us know when you’d like to book an appointment.”

“This is Hauntdog ‘n Fries calling you back. Your house has quite the reputation. We’re afraid it is beyond the scope of a small operation such as ours. Have you tried Anything Ghost?”

“This is an automated message from Peregrin Spook. After twenty years of service to the community, we have chosen to retire. Many of our trusted and highly skilled employees have gone on to Anything Ghost. We’re sorry for any inconvenience.”

“Hi, this is… I’m from H-h-hector the Spectre Collector. Unfortunately, we cannot take you as a client. Our head ghost hunter, the owner… has just gotten his head bitten off by a… a… oh god, it was awful. The rest of us are getting out of the business for good.”

“This is a message from Anything Ghost. Our supplier in Italy says the equipment won’t arrive until the beginning of May. We have a couple of safe houses for you to stay while you wait. It’s part of our exclusive “Diet and Exorcise” package. Here, any belongings you bring with you will be blessed daily. You will also be blessed every few hours while you sleep, to make certain that you haven’t accidentally brought any spectral traces with you. In our next tier, “Incorporeal Punishment”, Communication with the outside world will be limited. No phones. No Wi-Fi. This is in case you’re receiving external curses. Don’t worry, we have plenty of entertainment at your disposal, a library, a gym, an arcade, delivery services from restaurants around the city. This is our most pricey option, but if you don’t follow our recommendations then you will likely need our services again and again, which will be many more times expensive in the long run. I’d like to see at least one of you in person to discuss payment plans. Hope to hear from you soon. Bye!”

Dear readers, we at S.A.U.C.E. have a difficult decision ahead of us. We must consult the cards before doing anything further. Wish us luck, people of the internet.

Good luck foolish mortals

let the games begin