hi again this is kiki the tea leaf reader from KETCHUP. remember the spider that came out of the black pit the other day? the spider that the SAUCE tarot readers sent as a messenger because their meeting house got sucked into the abyss? that spider? his name’s Dimitri?


i gave him some tea. i was just being nice, you know, like a good hostess or whatever? I didn’t know that it was the super-white (more like ultraviolet) leaf blend which has like all the caffeine a human can handle without dying?

dimitri didn’t die so that’s awesome but then he started running around in a blur making webs everywhere and now everything’s sticky and my mentor, Herb, got tied to a lawn chair and it looked like i was wearing an old-timey powder wig. sticky. ew! so gross!

and then the spider disappeared

i thought we lost him.

and then, and then, AND THEN…

a woman climbed out from the pit. holy crap, you guys, it’s a miracle.

dimitri the spider had used his tea energy to weave a rope ladder for the people we’ve been trying to rescue all this time! best pet ever? i so totally want a spider now.

the woman doesn’t talk, she just stacks our tea cups into weird, wobbly towers and giggles at us. herb introduced her as Crystal Balque and said that this is totally normal behavior for her, which is fine. i mean she seems nice enough. what isn’t normal, he said, is that her skin is covered in green scales. weird, right? apparently she normally has normal looking people skin. i showed her a mirror and she was so shocked she almost fell over. she didn’t know!

oh and Crystal also brought this:



Placement: The Minor Arcana


The Queen of Cups’ throne sits at the edge of a body of water. In some versions, she is as serene as a Virgin Mary statue. In others, such as the famed Rider-Waite-Smith deck, the Queen of Cups appears rather annoyed at the water. Perhaps the water is not supposed to be at her feet and this is a flood. Perhaps she sits by a lake to scatter the contents of her lidded cup, which looks like a reliquary or an urn. Perhaps the cup was full of water and she spilt it all at her feet by accident. Perhaps she regrets leaving her bathing suit in the beach bag she forgot by the door on her way there. Mysteries abound with the Queen of Cups.


Right side up:

The Queen of Cups represents the idealized concept of “woman”, as defined by men. She is nurturing and quiet and modest and beautiful and well-dressed and surrounded entirely by water so that she cannot wander off. No wonder Pamela Smith gave her illustration a frown. Popular thriller author Dan Brown and his ilk like to interpret the Queen of Cups as Mrs. Christ. Or was that The Empress? Or the High Priestess? Or the entire Cups suit? Hm.


Upside down:

Since the equivalent to Cups in contemporary playing cards is Hearts, the Queen of Cups may also be the Queen of Hearts. There is, or course, a nursery rhyme about her.

Intellectuals who study nursery rhymes (they exist, and you can join their ranks to appear well-read while at the same time surrounding yourself with entertainment aimed at small children) have studied whether the Queen of Hearts from the poem was based on a historical personage.

There are playing cards from pre-revolutionary France that portray her as the biblical Judith, a character whose story has more to do with beheading than tart-baking, which makes her more aligned with the Queen of Hearts from Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland.* In some Swiss German card decks, the Cups/Hearts suit is called Roses. Still others believe that she represents the Lancaster family in the War of the Roses which means… Is Game of the Thrones yet another overgrown veiled homage to Alice, like The Big Lebowski or the Eat Me bakery in south Calgary?**



* Heavens forbid an author assume that children like imaginary worlds for their own sake. If a story is a fantastic nonsense, then it must be a political allegory. Or maybe math.

** This would not surprise me in the least. Every creative type has an Alice in Wonderland phase and everyone thinks their modern, dark and edgy version is a revelation. That said, Eat Me’s black tea cupcakes are maddeningly good.




Classic Queen of Cups deaths:

  • Off with your head
  • The rising tide
  • Poisoned fruity cocktail
  • Stepfordified
  • Did I already mention beheading?