Major Arcana

1. The Magician

The Magician card represents what we in divination circles like to call “mad skills.”

9. The Hermit

also called The Monk, The Sage, The Capuchin, Sad Santa, The Struggling Writer, and Time.

14. Temperance

The rocks are slippery. Recovery is slippery. Angels hate getting their down feathers wet.

16. The Tower (second attempt)

Avoid the temptation of negative thought. Avoid the naivete of positive thought. Avoid thought. Avoid perception. Avoid the word “doom”. Under no circumstances should you allow yourself to have a nightmare. Sleep well.

10. Wheel of Fortune

A Roman goddess, an Egyptian god, a sphinx, four saints disguised as flying animals, a snake, and an alchemist graffiti artist walk into a bar…

18. The Moon

Wait, you remember something about playing something… There was a beta test for a virtual… OH MY GOD YOU’RE STILL IN THE GAME!

7. The Chariot

You will die like a racehorse on jet fuel.
Every journey is risky, but you will go places. They may not always be places you want to go. The hospital is a place, as is the cemetery.

6. The Lovers

Star-crossed lovers. Never, ever cross a star. The gravity of those celestial bodies will crush you into naught but a burning smear of meat grease. Thus the synonym for infatuation: crush.

2. The High Priestess

Of course, one may say, code red was seen as punishment for Eve’s crime against fruit trees. Perhaps Joan made prayers of apology for her indiscretion with the alluring Cardinal Chad and believed that the Lord responded kindly by removing the burden of her shark week.

15. The Devil

“Ignore your health goals,” says the Hungarian sponge cake. “Consume me and you will feel satisfied forever.”

13. Death

A hundred percent of people* who find the Death card in their hand must, in due course, die.

0. The Fool

-Using soft plastic packaging as a toy, despite warning
-Eating a laundry detergent pod, despite warning
-Leaving the hiking trail, despite warning
-Bumper-hitching a rocket

11. Strength

Placement: The Major Arcana Description: Illustrations for this card usually depict a young woman with a lion. For the most …

3. The Empress

Placement: The Major Arcana Description: The Empress wears an impressive crown, whether it is made of gold and as big as the rest …