Knight of Coins

The Knight of Coins waits for orders, and waits some more, then continues to wait, followed by a great deal of waiting, culminating in a good long wait.

Queen of Chickens

“Then you shall pounce on all the mice,” said the Pig, “and I shall build a mouse-proof fence around this farm to keep the rest out!”

He also promised to lock the well-meaning Little Red Hen into a chicken coop for good.

Four of Lizards

Hibernation. Ensure that you visit the lavatory before you sleep, lest you need to (god forbid) leave your bed in the middle of February.

Three of Wands

“THIS is my stick,” she/he/they/ze says. “Mine. It is the very best stick.”

10. Wheel of Fortune

A Roman goddess, an Egyptian god, a sphinx, four saints disguised as flying animals, a snake, and an alchemist graffiti artist walk into a bar…

King of Conspiracy?

“the Octopus is a secret symbol for the head of a conspiracy linking the Masons, the Mafia, the Illuminati, the CIA, the Templars, the Joneses…

A Pastafarian Perspective

th’ Flyin’ Spaghetti Monster, who boiled fer yer sins ‘n fills yer belly when ye be famish’d.

King Cthulhu?

You claim to understand and teach the symbolism of tarot but you’re missing the most important message: the arrival of the Great Old Ones.

Flames in the mailbox

This afternoon the kind young lady who posts my words online informed me that she has decided not to upload …

King of Octopus

Claim mastery over the oddity. The weird is mightier than the pen, sword, mouse, duck, or morphin power ranger.

Seven of Swords

If the Seven of Swords were a squirrel, your birdfeeder would leap beyond the Reptilian Occupation* and land in downtown Post-Apocalopolis.

Knight of Fish

A zitiron, a mythological sea knight with the lower body of a fish, the weapons of a knight, and the washboard abs of a man. The head and face are covered entirely by a helmet. It could look like pug for all we know.

The Troll

Dear Terrible Tarot,

What the hell do you think you’re doing? You’re making everything about death, even the Death card, WHICH IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT CHANGE. No one will read Tarot cards if they think it’s all disasters and [word deleted].

18. The Moon

Wait, you remember something about playing something… There was a beta test for a virtual… OH MY GOD YOU’RE STILL IN THE GAME!

Two of Wands

The globe in his hand represents power, and the universality of bowling.

Five of Octopus

“Two may slip from view. Three may break free. Four may take the floor. Five, you may not live.”

Six of Lizards

Ask your friends and family to say this phrase out loud, repeatedly, as fast as they can. If they cannot, then they are Lizard People sent to overthrow the Earth’s governments and form a New World Order. Try this test for everyone you meet.

A joke? Blasphemous!

Someone has spreading these travesties online, using an old vaudeville comedy standard to besmirch the good name of tarot! These are offending memes:

37. Cake

The Cake giveth, the Cake taketh away. Sprinkles to sprinkles, crumbs to crumbs.

Dame of Wands

Defend your ideas. Burn the naysayers with the sickest retorts. Chew them out as a horse may chew on a cinnamon bun!