No News Is Probably Bad News

Three of Wands

“THIS is my stick,” she/he/they/ze says. “Mine. It is the very best stick.”

10. Wheel of Fortune

A Roman goddess, an Egyptian god, a sphinx, four saints disguised as flying animals, a snake, and an alchemist graffiti artist walk into a bar…

King of Octopus

Claim mastery over the oddity. The weird is mightier than the pen, sword, mouse, duck, or morphin power ranger.

Seven of Swords

If the Seven of Swords were a squirrel, your birdfeeder would leap beyond the Reptilian Occupation* and land in downtown Post-Apocalopolis.

Knight of Fish

A zitiron, a mythological sea knight with the lower body of a fish, the weapons of a knight, and the washboard abs of a man. The head and face are covered entirely by a helmet. It could look like pug for all we know.

18. The Moon

Wait, you remember something about playing something… There was a beta test for a virtual… OH MY GOD YOU’RE STILL IN THE GAME!

Two of Wands

The globe in his hand represents power, and the universality of bowling.

Five of Octopus

“Two may slip from view. Three may break free. Four may take the floor. Five, you may not live.”

Six of Lizards

Ask your friends and family to say this phrase out loud, repeatedly, as fast as they can. If they cannot, then they are Lizard People sent to overthrow the Earth’s governments and form a New World Order. Try this test for everyone you meet.

37. Cake

The Cake giveth, the Cake taketh away. Sprinkles to sprinkles, crumbs to crumbs.

Dame of Wands

Defend your ideas. Burn the naysayers with the sickest retorts. Chew them out as a horse may chew on a cinnamon bun!

40. The Cat

Beware of naps, pajamas, buttered toast, burglars, violence between women, anarchist syndicates, hot tin roofs and water. Beware your own curiosity. Learn nothing more about cats.

Two of Coins

The coins are for your eyelids, to pay the ferryman to the underworld, or else he will make you sleep with the fishes.

7. The Chariot

You will die like a racehorse on jet fuel.
Every journey is risky, but you will go places. They may not always be places you want to go. The hospital is a place, as is the cemetery.

35. The Zanni

Placement: The Obscure Arcana Description: Zanni is an umbrella term for the masked comical servants in Commedia dell’arte theatre, first popularized …

Queen of Octopus

  Placement: The Negligible Arcana Description: An octopus poses in a crown and often other adornments such as a necklace or …

Queen of Swords

Placement: The Minor Arcana Description: A queen on a silver throne holds a sword in one hand, and in many …

28. The Beaver

Placement: The Obscure Arcana Description: Most iterations of The Beaver card are not particularly interesting. These depict a beaver in …

Three of Cups

Placement: The Minor Arcana Description: Three women raise their cups together while dancing. They each wear wreaths on their heads. …