The Ladies of Tarot

Queen of Cups

Perhaps she regrets leaving her bathing suit in the beach bag she forgot by the door

Damsel of Wands

Your autobiography will read like an off-brand book of Mad Libs.

Dame of Wands

Defend your ideas. Burn the naysayers with the sickest retorts. Chew them out as a horse may chew on a cinnamon bun!

7. The Chariot

You will die like a racehorse on jet fuel.
Every journey is risky, but you will go places. They may not always be places you want to go. The hospital is a place, as is the cemetery.

Queen of Octopus

  Placement: The Negligible Arcana Description: An octopus poses in a crown and often other adornments such as a necklace or …

Queen of Swords

Placement: The Minor Arcana Description: A queen on a silver throne holds a sword in one hand, and in many …

Four of Coins

Placement: The Minor Arcana Description: A person, usually a man with a crown, sits on a plain grey throne in …

Knight of Cups

Placement: The Minor Arcana Description: This card features a knight on horseback, carrying a cup. The horse has two of …

6. The Lovers

Star-crossed lovers. Never, ever cross a star. The gravity of those celestial bodies will crush you into naught but a burning smear of meat grease. Thus the synonym for infatuation: crush.

Three of Cups

Placement: The Minor Arcana Description: Three women raise their cups together while dancing. They each wear wreaths on their heads. …

36. Bloody Mary

In Anais Herschel’s note, scribbled upon the envelope of the threatening letter she was reading out loud immediately before her …

2. The High Priestess

Of course, one may say, code red was seen as punishment for Eve’s crime against fruit trees. Perhaps Joan made prayers of apology for her indiscretion with the alluring Cardinal Chad and believed that the Lord responded kindly by removing the burden of her shark week.

Ten of Cups

You will die knowing that your legacy is secure, or at least you think it is. It may not be. …

11. Strength

Placement: The Major Arcana Description: Illustrations for this card usually depict a young woman with a lion. For the most …

You can see the blindfolded and armed beach woman in this version of the card, but you have to close your eyes and conentrate first.

Two of Swords

You will die betrayed and alone. Placement: The Minor Arcana Description: A blindfolded woman sits on the beach, arms crossed, …

Nine of Coins

Your material goals fulfilled, you will die of boredom.     Placement: The Minor Arcana   Description: A woman in …

3. The Empress

Placement: The Major Arcana Description: The Empress wears an impressive crown, whether it is made of gold and as big as the rest …